Well I flew into Utah on Monday and I was feeling really out of it and low monday night. And since watching the book turned movie "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert, I have reviewing the quotes i wrote down and applying them to everything! Forgive me! So basically that night I felt like crap. I missed my darling still in Texas, all of my lovely friends and of course my loving, hug giving family. I was in Utah but still felt my heart, and soul were in Texas :( Luckily I remembered and kept thinking of how grateful I was to miss them. Missing them, missing anyone, means that you are connected to them, that you care, that they have made an important impact on your life. I just prayed. I prayed hard. I had a great night with friends here but I felt so weak and helpless and like this is the last place on earth I SHOULD be. Somehow I found my self pleading for a confirmation that this is the right place for me. I never imagined I would be back here so soon...and the thought of going back to school, starting work, figuring out the social situation again, simply put it terrified me. I felt like a little girl afraid of those monsters under her bed, who couldn't even get off the bed or out from under the covers to run and go get daddy or mommy. I felt so stuck there. So I found my self yelling for help and for my God to come save me from these things and from myself, from my fears.
Funny how hard some things are. It is really simple to say yeah I had a hard time a while back...but to live that hard time...it really is just HARD! I think its easier to look back because some way you made it through that. For me I usually have no idea what miraculous event happened that changed everything, probably because it was really just a struggle of time. Teaching me patience and how to cultivate and attitude of gratitude for all the opportunities for growth i am given. So much lately have I felt like a failure at life or like some kind of freak of nature on a different timeline. In those moments my fears of that being my reality for now and forever were some of those monsters under the bed.
I remember though talking to my darling and being reassured that he knows I am doing the right thing. I didn't believe it for a bit but I wanted to. And a long time ago I learned to pray for things I want to know and believe. So I prayed for just that. I prayed that sometime this week I would know, for sure, for myself that this really was the right choice. I went to one of the most peaceful places I know the next day: the Temple. I didn't feel any particular change and actually still felt lost, but I did feel loved. I did work for people from Hungary and for some reason that really impressed on me the love that I should have for them and myself.
Wednesday night I saw that movie Eat Pray Love and I thought it was amazing. I loved the book and the movie spoke to me just as much and the people were almost exactly as I had pictured them. Julia Roberts is amazing! It is a true story of a woman who is codependent and realizes that she cannot even recognize herself anymore. She did what was right for her in the movie and book, and broke away from those tendencies. It was not about her breaking guys hearts at all (thats what my friends got from it). That story is, well, my story. A journey of one woman searching to find herself again, and learn how to live healthier and have a more balanced life. Its about leaving behind hurt and negative thinking for a more positive view of self and an understanding of who she could be by herself. She goes to Italy to regain the passion she had for life when she was younger. What she discovered was her love of people, food, and obstacles. She then went to India where she learned how to gain balance in her life on her own, how to forgive herself, how to love herself. Finally when she gets to Bali, she learns how to have a healthy relationship, how to love others and still love herself. That is why I liked this movie and the book. There is so much wisdom that she learns and I am so glad that she shared her life with her readers.
With that, I remembered some of my favorite quotes and felt peaceful knowing that somehow this is important for me.
"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..."
"Diligent Joy
I keep remembering one of my Guru's teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will eat away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."
Those are just 2 of my favorites. The first made me think of a Sufi poem where it says that a when God created the earth he drew circles right where you are standing...you were never not meant to be there. AKA there is a reason for everything. It goes along with what my momsy says "The safest, best place you could be in this world is where ever God wants you. And as long as you are doing what you can then God will direct you to right where that is every time" :) The second I like because I truly believe happiness is a choice. We can choose our thoughts and fight for what we want...which generally i do want to be happy! And also noted is the importance of continually doing those things you ought to, those things that help you be happy.
So after a night of deep self evaluation during the movie, and a newfound desire to choose to be happy I let it go. I let go of my fears and literally jumped! Delilah said to me once when I felt bad that I should just jump! Hahaha...jumping just made me laugh and laughing felt better than crying. So I did. I jumped. I went outside and I jumped for joy :) Then I had a great day at work, and I got home in time to make the best meal!! I had a salad with fresh tomatoes from the garden, avocado, feta cheese, baby spinach and baslamic vinegar dressing!! Mmmm so tasty. I also had noodles with EVOO and parmesan! It looked beautiful. I thought seriously about taking a picture. Well I went on a great walk. I crossed the street to walk in the sun and it was while walking that I suddenly just knew. I knew this is where I am supposed to be right now. I don't know why yet but this...this is it! My prayer was answered. Funny how some times you can even answer your own prayers. I found last night that the friend i needed all along was right with me. The friend i longed for was me.
Life is great and I hope yall remember that always.
Here I am always and forever...Abbybaby learning,
Patience
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