Stop! Close your eyes. Take a DEEP breath. And Relax

Lovely Readers (if there are any),

SOMEtimes life hurts. Today has been a terrible horrible no good very bad day :( Yet some how SOMEtimes today I still found myself just laughing. SOMEtimes things go the opposite than the way we wish. SOMEtimes you work so hard and spend so much time wishing and working to make something happen...and it doesn't. SOMEtimes when everything is going rIgHt, SOMEtimes everything suddenly life happens and everything seems to be spinning out of control. SOMEtimes its really hard to admit I was wrong, prideful, ignorant, and mean. SOMEtimes I want to scream and cry and rock myself to sleep, so I do. SOMEtimes I want to be strong and keep it all in and never let anyone know how I feel...so I do...SOMEtimes thats not the best course of action. SOMEtimes when I am sad, I laugh. SOMEtimes when I am mad, I cry. SOMEtimes when I am lonely I talk to God about all my frustrations. And SOMEtimes its hard to know what to do with my life.

The sun feels warm on my skin when I step outside to take my pups for a walk. Today the pressure coming in from the storm hurt my head and the wind rushing against my face made me dizzy. We walked anyway, at least a little ways. I promised them I would take them out later. In an hour I will fulfill that promise and walk the promised 2 miles each so that they can explore the world outside of our little neighborhood cul de sac.

I want to cry, and hide, and run away when mom calls. It's not that bad. She is coming home. But I always wonder...what if she doesn't? What did I tell her last? What was the last thing we did just US two? What did she learn at school? Why didn't I take her to the pool last night? Why did I let my want to read get in the way of doing something SHE wanted to do? Why didn't I just wash the pans and other dishes for her? Why didn't I play rumicube? What if what she remembers is not doing stuff with me? I know she is ok. "Stop! Close your eyes. Take a DEEP breath. And relax." I say it out loud so that I listen. SOMEtimes I have good ideas. My head is pounding because hormones rage, the storm is coming, and my inner 2 year old wants to throw a tantrum because I don't want this AGAIN. SOMEtimes I wonder what if? But what good has that ever done anyone? Today, Tonight I will be the Big sister I know I should be. I will do what she wants. I will sing her songs until she falls asleep. I will stay awake worrying that this is it. I will pray constantly that God's will be done even if I do pray harder for mine. I will remember the good times. I will try to leave the past where it belongs...years ago. I will try to soothe my moms pains. I will try to help my dad relax. I will not give up. Not tonight. I can't tonight. Maybe tomorrow... Here I sit thinking and writing like this is the END. But isn't it always that CLOSE?

SOMEtimes life is crappy. SOMEtimes you get things you don't want. SOMEtimes you leave one place in the puzzle, just to find where you are supposed to be. SOMEtimes when you are wrong, you really are right too. SOMEtimes it doesn't matter. SOMEtimes its easy to love. SOMEtimes its the hardest thing you will ever do. SOMEtimes you don't want to know the truth. SOMEtimes your body, mind, and soul crave it more than anything else. SOMEtimes what hurts your heart hurts your body. SOMEtimes you wish it didn't. SOMEtimes being what you ought to

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2 hours later.
Its now almost 9pm and I WANT. I WANT to be there with her. I WANT my head not to hurt from thinking. I WANT to be alone for a while. I WANT to run. I WANT to hideaway...just for awhile. I WANT to cry and let it all go...just let it all go...all go. I WANT to have someone here who understands how I feel. I WANT someone I could tell how I feel. I WANT to tell that person whoever they are that I am scared, I love her. I WANT them to half lie to me and tell me everything will be ok. I WANT them to just be here with me. I WANT that person. I WANT to know them. I WANT to know that person exists. I WANT her to be ok. I WANT it all to be ok. I WANT to know it will.

The darkness in my room is infiltrated by a "healing light" so it is called. I like it. It helps me sleep at night... and I am not one for night lights. Its a peaceful light. One that makes me feel BETTER. The light from my computer hurts my head and makes me want to take a bath to relax my muscles... i only hope it will relax my mind too. I wonder if whoever reads this will understand any of this. I wonder what they might think. But do I really care what THEY think? No I guess not. I am usually not like this. Usually when these things happen, as they often do, I just let it roll off my back until I am alone, all alone with my thoughts. It is then that my personal monsters and fears crawl out from under the bed to scare me, make me cry, and make me curl up in my bed hiding...under the covers. Tonight may be one of those nights. Especially as I understand and accept once again my place here in this loving, and surviving space I call home. Home. It is not at all a place. Home is where ever the people I love are. SOMEtimes home is an apartment in Provo, SOMEtimes it is a crowd of people at school, work or church. SOMEtimes home is the sidewalk I travel with dear friends, SOMEtimes it is a parking lot where I can spend hours discussing life with someone who cares about me even when this is the only side of me they ever really know. Home is those who love me even though they know me. I am home when I am with people who love me in spite of myself. And I am home. I am glad to be here and wherever I go I know that if I want to and have faith in people, that I can always be home.

The bath water is going to feel great tonight and reading ether, my favorite book, in the book of mormon will be fun to teach in the morning...that is if i get any sleep. Tonight, I will pray for help and love and guidance and for her.

I wish us all enough,

The stubborn daughter,

Patience