I have recently been contemplating one very most important, imminent, and life changing event.

Marriage. 

More precisely, my own MARRIAGE.

Now, I know what you are going to say. "Well you aren't even engaged yet?!". Right-o! However there is the small fact that my darling and I are so very deeply entangled that at this point marriage and eternal commitment seems inevitable.

To be sure it is not the wedded life of bliss, endless friendship, and waking up in the arms of my darling that I abhor. Of course, like any human being capable and in need of love and support and companionship, I crave those things! Not to mention the breakfast in bed, or all of the other fantastic things you can do in bed (like build a fort, or sleep all through the night together- I really do look forward to not having to shove him out the door at midnight). But alas, it is the terrifying and billowing threat of divorce and unhappiness and separation that I am so afraid of. That, or a life full of misery and dread under the heavy weight of ball and chain.
---Just a side note...balls and chains have always given me images of slavery, bondage, and the waxen cord always referred to in scripture as the favorite accessory of the devil-just sayin that maybe we should pick a different metaphor for marriage.Knots aren't too much better as I think of when I was a kid and used to double knot my shoes to make sure they were tight, and how annoying it was when I realized that knotting them meant that I couldn't get them untied to get my feet out without the use of a pencil or other long skinny object that could fit between the laces.---

Luckily (knotting and ball and chain issues resolved), I think, I love my darling even enough to get married.

No, I haven't been married and divorced, and my parents are still married (happily is all in their perspective and the amount of work they put in, so they tell me). Truthfully, my parents have given me a great example of sticking with it, and loving unconditionally. They love each other for all that they are, warts and all. Maybe they love the warts a little bit less, but they love the person all the same, and over time have learned to help one another surgically remove a few warts. They really are adorkable and I love them so much and am so grateful for all their counsel.

So what is really bugging me about marriage? Well, I believe it lies in the fact that I cannot simple will not tolerate being loved unconditionally by anyone other than my omnipotent and all forgiving and loving God and Savior. Even we have brokered some sort of deal where I am allowed a certain amount of shame and guilt to keep me comfortable, but not enough to totally inhibit my spirituality and safety of my soul.

Unfortunately, this deal is becoming unbearable as I fall deeper and deeper in like and in love with my darling. He seems to love me even in my most ugly and loch ness monster moments. I don't get it. I feel like in my fiery and raging personal hell there isn't space for someone else to come get me and save me and hold me close. But some how my darling has this amazing ability to hold me and hang in there himself, even during these moments and instead of feeling dread at his existence (like my own at the time), my soul feels safe. Granted feeling safe there feels terrifying beyond belief, but nonetheless I feel safe.

This reflection comes probably as a result of little sleep, a high from some really great dates, and some good commitment phobia reading.//

Right now I am devouring page by delicious page:

Some how Elizabeth Gilbert, whether she is trudging through a messy divorce, or meditating at an Ashram in India in Eat, Pray, Love ; or if she is running around South East Asia trying to figure out what marriage means and is, or if she is stuck at the airport with the love and other half of her life being "deported" in Committed; somehow she puts into words exactly what I needed to hear and I find my own life experience reflected in what she writes. As I read this self-explorative narration, I cannot help but feel exactly as she did. I find myself wondering exactly what some or any person with a commitment phobia wonders at some point.

Am I asking too much of marriage? Interesting thought really that not only do I, and probably many others, expect and desire decency, honesty, ability to provide, but also inspiration from a Suspected spouse (or future spouse in my case)... , " That somehow be answerable for every aspect of each other's joy and happiness. That our very job description as spouses was to be each other's everything...For the first time in my life, it occurred to me that perhaps I was asking too much of love. Or at least, perhaps I was asking too much of marriage. Perhaps I was loading a far heavier cargo of expectation onto the creaky old boat of matrimony than that strange vessel had ever been build to accommodate in the first place" (pg. 49 of committed).

Maybe that is the key, or at least the door, to opening up my view and feelings about marriage. I really do love and care for and wish to always care for and partner with my dearest darling. He has grown to be so much a part of me and my life, that I now have me and my life so connected with him and his life that we also have a WE and OUR life. WE have plans together and WE have dreams. OUR life includes No Meat Mondays, and Sunday evening walks. WE are going to Europe for Christmas Holiday, and WE love to eat chocolate and read. OUR future dog will be small enough that we can take it on vacation with us. OUR life together will be full of learning, and growing together in love, with educational and family and personal goals that WE dreamed and imagined of together.

I thought kinda seriously about whether or not to blog about my commitment phobia, but I hope that as I do, some people or even just a few may come to understand, at the very least that I may be able to understand, my own feelings. I really enjoy and savor every day and even every minute that I get to be with my beloved. Because he is just that, my beloved; him whom my soul loves. I just hope that the day he does ask, and I know that he will (because he is just THAT awesomely studly), that I will be able to yes with all of my being without doubt and without fear. Instead, I hope to be full of joy and excitement and eager anticipation of time when I get to promise a never ending commitment of love and support and partnership and fun-ness. If there really is someone that I could consider giving my whole heart and soul to in this way, it would be him. It would be my darling.  It would be the kindest, wittiest, and most wonderful man.

With warm regard and a never ending study of patience,

A